Hey there!!!!!!
Guess what... we had our first snow! lol You should have seen the guys running to the door of the studio to see the snow and Sef going outside wearing only a t-shirt... lol... Maybe he wanted to prove that bearded guys are immune to any cold, flu or frostbites... lol This week has been really productive and encouraging; we wrote 3 new songs and we explored new sounds, digging deep to find not the perfect guitar sound, the greatest drum fill but looking for what is moving us, what we can foresee as moving anyone who will pay attention to the song; we are looking for what will have an impact instead of just fitting with what is expected from a rock band. But in order to accomplish this goal there are so many aspects to be aware of and we must be proactive, pushing, realizing, opening our eyes, admitting, fighting...
On Monday, we had dinner between two recording sessions and all of the sudden, we were talking about how we felt about the studio's dynamics and how, even though amazing songs were coming out, we needed to push so much more in each of our personal lives in order to deliver what we are meant to give. I have to admit that at first, I didn't feel too good about being pushed... lol... well I never liked to be pushed even if I understand that, if someone is pushing me to be better, it's out of love... The feeling that comes over me in these situations is that I am so inadequate, so stupid, so hopeless to be good enough... Too often, I let these feelings take hold of my head, like spiders slowly spreading their webs, blurring my vision, blocking my ears from the truth, establishing multiple filters, obscuring the 12 inches pathway between the head and the heart, and then; if I don't stop them, they invade my heart with a numbness... a false comfort residing in the thickness of the darkness... I said to one of my closest friend one day :
'I feel like if I have been growing up in darkness and everything that is light is scaring me... I can't recognize the right colors and shapes... in the darkness everything is small, simple, protected since I can't see any danger, feeling only my own heartbeat... nevertheless I know that, within me, I have everything I need to be free in the real world and inspire others... I have eyes to see and ears to hear... and even in my deepest darkness, I can hear a voice calling me out...'
You may ask me why I just don't kill the first spider... good question! Well, by myself, I can't really kill it most of the time... Because it is easier to let it live than trusting others, having faith in love and taking on me the responsability to shine... and then... once the first spider lives and more are coming, I need help to kill them... kill the lies... kill what lives in me that is dragging me down... but the spiders are way too ugly for me to talk about!!! I can't say what I really think... it's so dark, so hopeless, so mean, so selfish... But the more I realize that the more I am true, first to myself about what is in me and also true with people I really trust who are loving me, the more I can see I am not alone anymore, I can have the help of my true friends as I give them access to my heart and to the spiders too... they may have already fought some of the same species in their own lives so they can understand and tell me how they got rid of them... I feel like, even though I show my ugliest and darkest side, I still have their love and that is giving me so much confidence that with that love everything is possible, I am not inadequate, I am not stupid... Like my friend told me: 'You need to laugh and trust others'... What does that mean? Laugh: cultivate simplicity, be free to be who I am, see what is positive... and trust others: give deliberately the key to our deepest uglyness and beauty to someone to share the burdens, the victories, to be able to be told what is the truth when webs are covering my eyes, when I don't know myself who I am and who I can be...
This week during that dinner I decided for once not to stay alone with the spiders... I decided I was worth enough to fight against them and search for the true meaning of the pushing we were told... And the truth is so much more encouraging... I have so much more to bring in the studio than I can see at the moment... I have in me gifts that are necessessary for the album, I have a place that is so important that if I leave it empty, people around me are suffering... I am already someone that has a lot to give and I am needed... Thank God I have with me my bandmates and the YFE family to remind me of these things... Because when I feel the heat of being pushed for the better, I do need to be reminded that it IS possible... The rest of the evening went really really well... I laughed... I cried... I was with my bros... my spiderkilling experts!... Yes, I have a garden tattooed on my back but that doens't mean I can tolerate spiders right?!lol
I love you... I hope this little part of my own struggling can make you think about your own life and we are so glad and honored with every glimpse of trust you give us... and for the laughing part... well, Sef is in charge!lol
your sis forever
Miss Isabel