By Alex Foster
I must admit I feel a little intimidated being back in front of my screen to write the Basement News… I don't know why… maybe it's because the last edition has been posted so many weeks ago… maybe it's because I'm doubting myself every single time I'm writing the Basement News… maybe it's because I haven't been able to write anything in ages… or maybe it's a whole mix of emotions I'm unsuccessfully trying to manage for the past few months… kinda hard to say… but I kept pushing back the deadlines and repressing the anonymous needs I had to quietly lay down my fragile state of mind at your compassionate feet… so many things happened in the last couple of weeks… old friends getting killed or committing suicides, interviews about my past opening up old and hurtful wounds and too many fake smiles wrapped in cynical liturgy of happiness… hopeful nights turning into faithless dawns… I realized how physically and emotionally exhausted I was after years of self-defense and years of self-preservation… always been hard for me to lay down my guard before people loving me from the tips of their lips… always been hard for me to trust people calling me son with the cold arms of a stranger's goodbye… and I wish… God do wish I could have found a secret place to lighten up the darkness of my fears… wish I could have found a divine shelter to cover my depressive wounds… wish I could have found the strength to forgive myself for cracking down and being so weak… you know, after all the years I've spent dealing with the devil, guess I've learned to miserably live my life wondering when he'll be back at my door…for me memories always been deeply rooted in guilt and regrets… I've seen hopelessness and desperation choking dreams and aspirations… I've seen hate and violence ripping life and faith… I've seen rejection and isolation stealing confidence and will… I've seen judgment and repulsion breaking self-esteem and beauty… I've seen fury and vengeance spoiling youth and purity… all displayed before my eyes in different faces, in different perfumes, in different colors and in different tastes… a strange collage of miseries erected as monuments commemorating the lost of loved ones and testifying the results of apathy… yeah, I've been thinking a lot lately… facing a total creative block and a real emotive shut down… I had to dig deep inside in order to find what has been left broken… had to dig deep inside in order to find what has been left bleeding… hard to say… hard to find… I stayed in bed for days that lasted for weeks… barely talking with anybody… waiting for something… an answer to a question I stopped asking myself a so freaking long time ago… waiting for someone… a familiar face to tell me I'll be fine… waiting for reasons… for a new season… anything I could rely on… I don't know if I spent days or weeks trying to sleep and rest… and on another torn type of morning, after I decided to keep my eyes closed for the rest of the day, I saw a face I haven't seen in the last 10 years of my life… a face carrying painful souvenirs and old bleeding cuts… a souvenir almost forgotten and faded by years of emotional denying… a souvenir I managed to avoid every time I closed my eyes… every time I'm writing… every time I'm unable to love without the fear of being hurt… I've never been able to revisit any memories referring to him… 10 years since I've heard the words he left his mom and 2 other significant friends on a vulgar piece of paper after he decided to take a last blow of sunset before wasting his life away… every single word are like a bullet blowing my heart in pieces… even after 10 years I can recreate the scene perfectly like a blind acrobat walking the whole universe on a wire of sounds… feels like yesterday… I just got back from school, summer's knocking on our 16 filled with promises of love and kisses, when the phone loudly changed my life for ever… I strangely knew it before hearing the news… ten seconds later I hung up the phone forever affectively damaged… 4 days after the phone call I heard his mom voice reading me her son's last words he left for me: "Alex, you left the house 2 minutes ago, I've tried to talk with you but it was too hard, sorry, you're not responsible bro, I saw my soul disappearing in every single smile I faked to repress the pain, for every time I remained silent to be accepted, in every empty kisses I offered to be loved, for every time I lied to be somebody else's passion and for every tears I cried to feel protected, I woke up this morning knowing I've lost my way too many times to remember the warmth of a home, you've been a brother for me Alex, you have everything to succeed, I always knew you were called for great things, never abandon, you'll be our voice"… his mom looked at me and told me to be a loud voice… I barely talked for a decade after that evening… systematically refusing to think about the reasons he wrote me those words before killing himself… rejecting any kind of meanings those words could have had for him as he wrote his last thoughts… repressing any feelings that could have been raised as I was fighting so furiously to keep that souvenir forever hidden deep down inside my soul…I relationally never been the same and never spoke about it after that night… never prayed God with quite the same passion after that night… neither do I fully trusted anybody to share m y deepest secrets after that night as well… 10 years ago… faded… until the last couple of days… As I was reading and thinking about the sufferings you're sharing with Jeff on Myspace… as I was truly broken for you and my Japanese friends dealing with hurtful reminiscences of untold afflictions deeply hidden inside… I decided to drive by the place I used to live as a teen… always liked to drive by the only place I ever felt good and free, even if it was only for a short period of time… I drive by when I'm down and hopeless… I never stopped… I never had the strength to stop… too much to face… too much to fear… driving by always been enough to carry on… but as I was driving by… I stopped the car in front of that old house for the first time in ages… I don't know why… I stopped… I probably stayed in the car for an hour or two… looking around… kinda expecting to see a young Alex coming back from school the day his friend committed suicide… waiting to warn him about his friend while it's still time to change the course of live… looking around… ready to implore a young Alex to forgive God before seeing bitterness taking place in his heart and soul… looking around… I never saw young Alex coming back from school… only an old man asking me if everything was ok… being in the car for ever and holding my tears… I told him I used to stay there and was remembering some souvenirs… he smiled and told me welcome back… I froze for a few seconds and opened the door… scared to death… I slowly started to walk the streets where I used to play… where I used to steal apples in a real witch's backyard… where I became a man after receiving a secret kiss hiding behind an old garage… walked to the school where I discovered arts and theater… crossed the field where I used to be beaten after school for being poor, unfashionable, and fat… the same field where a year later I decided to fight back… I remembered all the screams, the amazing laughter… saw the nice kid I was, throwing a tennis ball over a wall for hours… saw the bad teen I became, spray-painting racist non-senses on every single corner… remembered every single party we did… the first time I played music with a band and remembered the only song we played before the cops showed up… my first love… my first heart break… my own suicide attempt at 15… and stopped there… almost suffocating… standing right in front of the lilac tree I used to sit under to talk with my longtime gone friend… smell the perfume I used to love and learned to hate so viscerally… the images… the sounds… the smells… the tastes… the feelings… everything was there… right in front of me… reminding me how sad I was… reminding me how deeply hurt I was… reminding me how discouraged I was… everything I always feared standing right before me… all mixed with the words haunting me for 10 years… "Alex, you left the house 2 minutes ago, I've tried to talk with you but it was too hard, sorry, you're not responsible bro, I saw my soul disappearing in every single smile I faked to repress the pain, for every time I remained silent to be accepted, in every empty kisses I offered to be loved, for every time I lied to be somebody else's passion and for every tears I cried to feel protected, I woke up this morning knowing I've lost my way too many times to remember the warmness of a home, you've been a brother for me Alex, you have everything to succeed, I always knew you were called for great things, never abandon, you'll be our voice"… "I always knew you were called for great things, never abandon, you'll be our voice"… "never abandon, you'll be our voice"… "never abandon, you'll be our voice"… I cried and wish I could burn that fucking tree… I headed to the car… quite shocked and tired… but ended up sited by the magnificent St-Laurent River instead… I didn't want to go home… unable to forgive… I needed to understand… so right at the same bench I used to sit 10 years ago to write my first thoughts on a piece of paper, pretending being a writer… and finally asked myself why I had so much fears to fail my friends, to dishonor my family, to look back realizing I wasted my life without making a difference… I never wanted to be known… never dreamed of being famous… never aspired to be a rock star… no gimmick… no bullshit… my only concern always being to be relevant and real… to honor my friend… you know, when I tried to kill myself as a teen, I opened up my eyes right besides the same guy I never been able to recognize any indication he was about to kill himself almost 2 years after… I grew up feeling so much guilt and hate… wishing I was the one being dead… wishing I could have been there for him… you know… sited on my old bench… I knew it was time to let go… I didn't see a young Alex coming back from school cause young Alex has been missing for quite a long time now… I didn't see a young Alex coming back from school cause young Alex emotionally disappeared right after he hung up the phone that day… I looked at the old bench… no more traces of what I used to write late at night… I looked at the streets... no more kids screaming and running around… I looked at the houses… all new owners and renovated new houses… I closely looked at the school… it's been closed for 2 years… I'm driving by those streets almost twice a week… never been able to see nothing remains the same… but I… never been able to see everything is completely different… but I… never been able to see everybody's gone… but I… I got back to the car and left the street for the first time in 10 years… I might never been anybody' else's voice… for what it may means… I don't know if I'll ever abandon… I already failed more than a thousand times… one thing for sure… I truly care about you guys… cause just like I already wrote to my Japanese friends… I might not have the perfect words or have the perfect way to show you my love… but after barely talking for 10 years… I learned how to listen… and I found that sometimes listening is the only language we might need when we're discouraged and hopeless… I'm not any different than you are… I still struggle with my own demons… still doubt… still fight against my insecurities… you know, writing the blogs, being interviewed and writing songs always been incredibly challenging for me… it's doesn't come quite naturally… cause even if I've been exposed to death and sufferings since childhood… poverty, gangs and hopelessness are rarely blooming into adulthood for the young people where I'm from… I've never been able to passively accept desperation and apathy… but even if I had a hard time lately… I knew you will listen to me… cause your voice was the only one I needed to hear… it took me 5 weeks to find the courage to write this blog… but only one second to know it was the right thing to do… so if you're feeling down… if you're thinking about suicide… if you're having problems or need to share… please do it… I've already lost more people than most people will never lose in their entire life… but one is one too many… speak out… we'll be listening… good or bad… cool or hard… I love you – Alex