By Alex Foster
Once again I missed the Basement News deadline… well… I should say I missed it twice to be exact… might sound pretty weird to read about blogging deadlines… well… let's say I kinda redesigned the whole concept of posting a weekly blog every time I missed the deadline… so once again sorry for the time it took me to write a few lines… I know this blog has been a welcoming shelter… a hopeful companion… a merciful witness… and a healing whispers over your secret wounds, over your invisible tears, over your bleeding dreams and your faithless mornings… the most impacting words are not the ones we used to scream… so I know what it's like to swallow the happy pills day after day… turning life into a shameful masquerade of lies in order to be the shadow of somebody else's expectations… so every time I'm thinking about what should be the "Basement News" intro for Jeff's weekly news… I always consider that tribune as a real privilege… for many reasons… I'm rarely on MySpace, so I don't have the opportunity to share with you like I wish I could… but I think the most important reason has always been the fact that after managing to leave the white supremacist gangs I was involved in at 18 years old, I kinda turned away from being a real upfront type of freak to a more introspective, laid back, type of guy… probably too scared to let anyone reaching out to me after being abandoned so many times… probably too scared to let anybody stay around me after being deeply hurt by people I trusted the most… probably too scared to accept anyone's love knowing the daily struggles I've got with self-esteem… probably too scared to believe anything good could ever happen to a guy who spent so many years cultivating hate, violence and hopelessness… it's no secret that I still have to fight my old demons every single day in order to be able to make it through the night… some are dealing with substances abuse or destroying habits… for me, quite strangely, my souvenirs and memories always had a wicked way of overpowering my desire to let go and to move on… for years I've been waking up in the middle of the night shaking and trembling… for years, stressed by dreams enveloping my nights with the same display of violent images blooming my days with shame… pressured by dreams covering the night with the same accusing words covering the silence with guilt… same dreams over and over… isolating my most sincere prayers from any answering hope I was so faithlessly dying for… I know the taste of desperation; I used to feed my sorrows right from his cup… I know the feeling of rejection, I used to hear people talking a language I've never been able to fully understand… when most people were only looking for a good time… well… I was only looking for a safe place to fall apart… apart from everybody else's look… apart from everybody else's pity… but most of all… apart from the impetuous fact that nobody else really cared… and I realized that I could cut myself until it bleeds… but my deepest wounds always bloomed from all the grief I've secretly seeded… Am I any different from of any single one of you… no, I'm not… I'm still wondering why… why I've been waiting for such a long time before falling on my knees… before raising my hands to ask for mercy… before asking to silently sleep right next to you… before whispering to be set free… and every time I write the Basement News… every single word is talking about you… every single word is talking about me… no, I'm not any different… I've been waiting for a long time… waiting for anyone… cause I needed somebody to talk with… cause we all need somebody… I don't know any of you… I never really spoke to you… I never saw you crying… I never heard your voice laugh… but I know you're close to me… somewhere, somehow… waiting for the same thing I've been waiting for so long… it's not the pills they're prescribing us in order to ease the pain and lose our ground… it's not the music screaming our guts and feeding our soul… it's not even the words I'm writing… it's something else… invisible… silent… floating around… untouchable… some are referring to God… some are referring to the universal need to be loved… some are referring to faith… some are referring to destiny… you know what… I've been wasting my life hoping to find some the same answers… I've lost myself fighting against the gravity… I don't know how you feel tonight… some are joyful… some are desperate… some are partying… some are getting ready to score… some are thinking about suicide… some haven't found what they've been looking for… one thing for sure… we're all looking for something more… more than what we used to feel before… more than memories and souvenirs… more than any good times and bottom lines… some might think life is all about success and love… well… it's getting pretty hard to agree… cause tonight, in the mist of the most exciting and fruitful period of my life… I'm thinking about you… hiding the same secrets… looking for the same answers… playing the same role… feeding the same lies… all waiting for somebody to take us home… looking for something, anything… while trying to find ourselves some gravity… cause even if were in the middle of a party or if were standing somewhere bleeding… we're still hoping for something more than joy and pain… I've tasted it all without a fringe… crossing the line a thousand times… and found that what we need is not that far… cause sharing with you always lead me to the most beautiful truth… you always been the one sitted right next to me… silently holding my hand… without fearing judgments… without anything to feel ashamed of… you've been waiting here right next to me… I thought I've been by myself for way too long… but tonight you showed me a myriad of lights… people from all around the world… different backgrounds… different stories… different faiths… different looks and life styles… all sitted right by somebody else's needs… we thought we were alone… but we came by millions… all looking for something more… ready to find ourselves a way to fight against the gravity… from every dogmas keeping our souls from believing in changes and freedoms… from any souvenirs and memories, from any substances abuse and destroying habits trying to hold us back… yes… tonight we're silently holding our hands… without fearing judgments… without anything to feel ashamed of… thanks for being here… you're breathing life over my hopeless dawns… love you!!! - Alex Ps: I know I'm not answering most of your posts and comments regarding the blogs… my words are rarely able to describe the beauty and magnificence of every single piece of empowerment you're sending my way every week… I'm still learning how to manage such affection and support… thanks for teaching me how to trust and for patiently waiting for me to be set free from my fears and insecurities… you don't have any idea how important your comments and messages have been for me and for so many other people digging hope in every letters left on the blog's section… it might only need one word to destroy people's life… but after seeding with pain for so long… I'm always thankful to see somebody else's life being ripped out with joy… so thanks again for your messages and comments… you're not changing lives… you're transforming sorrow and pain in hopeful tragedies!!!-Alex