By Alex Foster
Last week has been another painful reminder of how fragile and delicate our lives can be… how deep human misery can be… how vulnerable we are in front of hopelessness… how inadequate and unequipped we are in front of somebody else's agony… how quicker we are to judge and reject differences… how insensitive we are before the bottles of desperation people are sending to our sea of collective indifference… you know what… maybe I'm gonna be a real disappointment for you… maybe you will curse me… but to be honest… when tragedies like Virginia Tech are happening… I just can't stand how hypocrite we're globally becoming in time of tragedies… how intolerant and primitive we're reacting in front of crisis… how we're pathetically vomiting our pre-fabricate cliché of compassion… how pitifully we're putting our masks of good community's members crying for a safe and a better world… I really can't stand all those post-tragedies interviews… all those articles… all those special reports… I just can't stand all those pseudo experts putting their suits to share their thoughts about the reasons leading to such tragedies… how music, videos games and TV are turning youths into killing machines… I just can't stand the same messages… the same explanations… the same visions… and the same people sharing about our generations… can you tell me where are those experts between tragedies… where are they hidden… where are the social authorities between tragedies… where are the politicians between tragedies… where are the religious representatives between tragedies… where are they all… I mean… everybody seemed to know the reasons leading to such tragedies… everybody's bragging about how predictable those tragedies are… about the hopelessness of our generations… really… so tell me where are they when there's no money to appear before National TV or when there's no world exposure for there brilliant theories… where are they when kids are being rejected… when kids are being beaten for being different… when kids are isolating to stay away from pain… where are they… the truth… they're relaxing in their world… on the other side of our tragedies… they're keeping their hands clean and their consciences pure… where are the prevention strategies… where are the intervention plans… where are the resources to reach the "time bombs" on campuses… where's the money to hire social workers… where's the real desire for changes… asking the questions kinda gives us the answers, right… who really cares about those "losers" anyway… I mean… between tragedies… I never heard anybody talking about a national strategy to reach the kids… to fight apathy… to bridge differences… to involve communities… to involve people on a personal level… the reality is we don't give a shit about others… until they become a threat to our well being… we keep lying to ourselves… we keep pretending being affected by other people tragedies… well… let's say we're quicker to react to tragedies than being part of the solution… you don't agree… well… have you read the paper… have you watched TV… How many testimonies have we seen… how many articles have we read… how many people have we heard… all proudly telling the press "I knew that guy was a freak", "I was scared and I knew he was dangerous", "he looked so desperate and isolated… we all knew he was a time bomb", "I never seen such a violent person", "his homework we're filled with violence and intolerance… I was scared", "he didn't have any friends, he was always acting weird, I was keeping myself far from this freak"… hey… let's think about it… if everybody knew… does it mean nobody cared enough to do anything… I mean… it's so easy to go in front of national TV, bragging how brilliantly you saw the madness of the guy… how brilliantly you kept yourself away from evil… am I the only one to feel dizzy and have nausea after such non-sense… come on… even teachers were scared… nobody did anything… the reality is so different from what we've been watching on TV for the last few days… the facts are even more disturbing… cause the reality is we didn't care… the schools are packed with what we call "time bombs"… nobody cares… who really gives a shit about a loser… who really gives a shit about a loner… who really gives a shit about another freak… the reality… we don't care… we are too self-absorbed… too self-centered… too narcissist… we don't care and it's a freaking fact… it's time to stop lying to ourselves… we don't give a shit about those perturbed weirdos… we don't… and now we're all acting troubled… we're all crying… we're all filled with compassion… bullshit… it's all a big play for each and every single one of us to try and believe how good we are and to dissociates ourselves from such an evil madman… how many more shooting do we need to fully understand the real issues we're collectively facing and the changes we individually need to adopt… how many more shootings… tell me… cause after 2 or 3 weeks… the Virginia Tech tragedy will be an old story… it will be football… baseball… nascars… girls in short skirts… summer craze and any other stories set to sell newspapers and to give exposure to advertisers paying millions to be on your TV for you to buy their stupid and unnecessary stuff … how much will we be preoccupied by the victims… by the kids ready to cross the line and kill at any moment… you know it's the truth… and you know why… because we're always convincing ourselves that we're not part of the problem… so we don't need to be part of the solution… and life keeps going… parties… love… money… ambition… and everything feels and looks like nothing really happened… like it's an old nightmare… and we strongly need to believe the world is a safer place now that the evil man is dead… now that authorities have our backs well covered… the medias have been pretty quick to show spectacular images of the madman showing his anger and intolerance to the face of the world… to expose his hatred message to everybody in need of answers… everything to ease our mind… "he was crazy… it's not our fault… I repeat… he was crazy… this is not our fault… we're not responsible for any of this… I repeat"… and on and on and on… yeah… that guy is the only responsible person for pulling the trigger and for ripping all those lives… for destroying families… for breaking dreams… for playing God… was he a madman… was he an evil freak… was he a psycho killer… was he perturbed… was he lost… was he hurt… was he incurable… was he a dead brain… was he only a lose cannon… did he have dreams… did he have feelings… did he have fears… was he scared… who knows… which expert can tell for sure… he was probably all that… a wasted kid killing others, when most of the wasted kids are killing themselves… a madman… probably… an insane freak… probably… an evil man… maybe… an isolated reject… yes… but is that all you need to kill with such rage… again… the schools are packed with what we're calling "losers" and "pieces of shit"… are they all crazy… are they all about to kill everybody around… probably not… but my reflection is not about the killers or the losers tonight… my reflections are leading towards us… the supposedly good and sane people… are we globally clean and personally pure in all those stories of losers and freaks killing everybody around… can we say we don't have anything to do with any of those… can we say we did everything to prevent such tragedies… can we honestly say we're looking to the losers… we're trying to reach the loners… we're able to interact with the ugly shit… with the fat bitch… with fucking morons… with the fuck face… with the skinny cock… with the slack twat… you're offended by my words… really… welcome to the streets… welcome to any school around the world… welcome to reality… we're not offended… we're not surprised… we're uncomfortable because we know and are not doing anything when we're hearing such aggressions… when we're seeing such violence… because we're scared to be associated to those losers… because we're scared to become one of them… we rather shut out mouths and let the cool people kill others every day by their words… cause there's other way to kill people my friends… you don't need a gun… you need words… but most of all… you need everybody else's silence and approbation… schools are filled with killers walking free to their houses every single night… and we're the witnesses… the cowards… thankful to live another day without being one of the victims from the cool people killing the posers for pleasure and to hide their own insecurities… Most of you already know about my past… I've been a leader of one of the most violent and hatred organisation as a teenager… but even before becoming a potential killing machine… I've been killed a thousand times by cool people at school and been tortured by the silence of everybody witnessing such cruelties… I've been raised by an alcoholic father and a depressive mother… moved 11 times in 9 years when I was a kid… dressed like a loser… fat… always the new kid on the block… switching school 2 or 3 times a year… beaten after every single day of school for being fat and ugly to the eyes of the cool people leading the show at every school I was going to… a guy even sent his dog after me one day… I've been put naked in the girls locker room… was never invited to parties and when I was invited it was only to be humiliated for being poor and such a big fat loser… I was isolated… I was broken and hopeless… until a violent gang leader took me under his wing… I got secure… managed my anger towards other by fighting every day after school… I was no longer the fat bitch everybody was laughing at… I was armed at school and I was ready to shoot anybody coming my way to hurt me again… I was a time bomb… with nothing to lose and pissed off… against my dad for being such a loser… against the kids who beat me to look cool in front of girls… against all the other kids turning their heads away when I was aggressed… after the school authorities who were saying it was not their problem when I was beaten after school… against everybody… but mostly against me for being such a loser, such a fat loner and such a pathetic waste of skin… I hated people… but I hated myself even more for being who I was… I was dreaming of killing myself every single day… I was fed by violence and I became one of the most feared and frightening freak around… I was scared… I was sad… I was depressive… I was faithless… I became everything people catalogued me… I was loosing a war inside… I was slowly becoming an uncontrollable freak, ready to explode at any time… I hated myself and the world… but along the way… in the worst period of my life… when I was about to turn the time bomb on… some people tried to reach out to me… my initial reaction was bad… I didn't want anybody near me… but they kept coming and coming back… loving me… without judgement… without fear… those persons were slowly deconstructing the walls I had inside… were slowly easing my hatred… and after months… they finally reached my heart… after so many rejections… so many threats… so many judgments from others… they kept coming… kept the door open… and one day… after years of hate and self-mutilations… I woke up without any desire to kill myself or to hurt somebody else… those persons… who had to fight against their own fears to reach one of the most violent guy around… who had to fight against their discouragements of being rejected every single time they've tried to approach me… who had to fight the insistent look of others judging them for being close to me… who had to fight against their own lack of hope to see a guy like me turning his life around… from those persons who kept getting back to me… one girl changed my life for ever… she came to me at lunch time one day and told me : "Alex, I know you're scared, I know you're pissed off and I know I'm confronting your system of defence every time I'm coming to you… yes I'm scared of you… no I can't understand your world… but now you won't have the reason of saying nobody tried to reach you or nobody cared about you when you're gonna blow your life in pieces… this is my number… call me tonight if you wanna talk… you're not the monster everybody are scared of"… I looked at her… speechless… she was scared but filled with such assurance… I wish I was that girl… overweight… single… freak for some… shit for other… and I realized maybe there was another way… I never called her… but her words broke something deep inside… I started to think about my life… about God… about destiny… about dreams… about pain… about fears… about my folks… everything started with that girl… fat, ugly, ridiculed and rejected, just like I used to be… but in fact… she was one of the most beautiful and courageous person I ever met in my whole life… I wanted to have her strength… I wanted to have her faith… I wanted to have her compassion for other… even now… there's not a day I don't think about her… we never spoke again… I never had the guts to reach out to her… she moved out of the country after that semester… she saved my life… and probably saved the life of thousand of people as well… and if I'm the man I am today… fighting my demons everyday… fighting my fears of others… my fears of rejection… my fears of failure… my fears of indifference… my fears of apathy… it's because… when I was a dangerous killer… ready to die… with nothing to lose… that girl… who had to face her own demons and her own rejections… came to me… spoke to me… cared about me… loved me… and saved me from that timing bomb ready to blow out in millions of pieces after years of humiliation and degradation… that girl who saved the lives of the people calling her fat pig and ass face every single day… that girl who saved the dreams of the people screaming fat cow tits and big fuck ass bitch in front of the all cafeteria every day… that girl who saved the ambition of the people pushing her in the corridors and putting excrements in her hair… that girl… like every common girl attending schools all around the world… that big fat bitch to the eyes of everybody, decided to keep her own and daily tragedies aside to prevent a whole community from an upcoming disaster called Alex Foster… and you know what… if it wasn't for that ugly fat piece of shit… people would have say in the media… "yeah, we all knew Foster was a time bomb ready to explode", "that freak was a frustrated moron who killed brilliant kids because he was jealous", "that kid always been a problem and everybody was scared of him", "I tried to be nice with him once and he told me to piss off", "he had his chance to be accepted but he turned everybody's help"… and every single persons would have been the compassionate angel who tried to help me and the empathetic saint who was rejected after so many attempts to reach out to me… all bullshit… the fact his somewhere else… cool or not… popular or not… hype or not… rejected or not… invited to the parties or not… we're all the same… we're all afraid of being ourselves… we're all afraid to be judged by others… we're all afraid to be the failure… to be the poser… the loser… the loner… to be rejected… so we're all adopting our roles… hoping to be the aggressors, the silent witness or the blinded sideliners… too bad for those having to play the losers in the big drama called "life"… I know some people will see my blog as being way too compassionate for the killers and being so severe for the survivors… they will say I can't have a perspective since I was one of those losers… that I'm still frustrated for those years spent as the fat ass bitch… you know what… my words are troubling for one reason… it's only because I'm so freaking right… it may sound full of myself… may sound full of pride… well… prove me wrong… take a good look around… open your eyes… you'll see… you'll hear… you'll touch… you'll smell… you'll taste… kids are dying every day… by millions… killed by words… by rejections… by hate… by frightened kids… that's the reality… but we're closing our eyes… waiting for another tragedies to turn our attention from all the reality shows feeding our evenings… you wanna see reality TV… you wanna be a voyeur… you wanna give a sense to your boring lives… look around… people are dying… and apathy is the most lethal weapon… and we're all part of the problem… cause you know what… it should be so easy for an artist like me to lay low and to keep myself cool from such social issues… I'm no longer the frustrated kid and time bomb freak I used to be… and when I watching TV… when I'm reading the paper… when I'm seeing human tragedies and when I'm counting the dead from our cultural apathy… I wish… yes… with all my strength… I wish I was strong like that fat ass bitch who saved me… wish I had her faith… her compassion… wish I was man enough to be humiliated like she was and still be able to reach out to others… cause I know my own hypocrisy… my own coward attitude… my own way to be a silent witness… and how apathetic my nature can be… I cried when I heard about Virginia Tech… I was pissed off when I witnessed the global lack of humilities before such tragedy and I prayed to be a strong fat ass bitch for at least one person… and I felt so powerless and scared… Julie… I don't know where you are today… I only wish you were here with me when I'm scared to speak… when I'm scared to be rejected… today I'm the frontman of a rock band everybody's offering the world to work with, I'm no longer portrayed as an ugly piece of shit, I'm no longer rejected… but I still feel like that fat ass bitch everybody was humiliating a few years ago at times… and I'm still wondering today… Julie… what if I had the guts to call you that night after school… maybe I would have the words I'm lacking today when I'm trying to fight apathy and call for everybody's introspection… hope you are happy Julie… you saved me… you saved thousands… I love you and you loved others to the point of being an eternal fat ass bitch souvenir… but for me you are the woman I'm still looking for since my teenage years… and you know what Julie… because of your love for me and others… tonight a thousand of fat ass bitches like you and I will look at themselves with pride for the first time in their lives… tonight a thousand of fat ass bitches like you and I will be able to look at themselves like the incredible persons they are… tonight a thousand of fat ass bitches like you and I will make the decision of being actors of changes tomorrow at school… tonight a thousand of fat ass bitches like you and I will make the decision to transform somebody else's life with compassion and openness… tonight a thousand of fat ass bitches like you and I will close their eyes knowing whatever we look… whatever we're portrayed by other… whatever names we're called… whatever party we're not invited too… whatever atrocities we're facing… everybody is somebody else's fat ass bitch… and everybody's scared… cool or loser… and you know Julie… I never had the courage to tell you… I was too proud… too full of myself… but even if you might never read my blog and that I'm long since forgotten for you… thank you Julie… you taught me the most important lesson… compassion and sacrifice lead to miracle… I carry your souvenir with me… and I'm really trying to be the miracle you saw in me so many years ago… cause a tragedy like Virginia Tech is a reminder for every single one of us… we're all part of the solution… cause we're all part of the problem… millions of people are killed with our words everyday… let's seed hope by turning ourselves to others… some might keep themselves isolated and might cross the line by killing many… when others, like me, will be free and will become part of the global solution we need to personally be part of… we don't know who's gonna turn his life around when we're reaching out to the broken… but who are we to keep miracles from happening… that was my heart tonight…